Well….it’s been about a year since my last post and sooo much has happened since then. Boy have I missed this blog. I have missed all of my blog friends, and missed having an outlet to express my creativity. Writing a blog is a weird thing. At first, it’s a project – it’s something fun you do, you look forward to creating new content, creating inspiration for your readers, and you slowly share bits of your life with people. Just at the point I wanted to start to share more, my life started to change, and I actually felt that I didn’t have anything left in me to give.
Over the last year, I have become a person different than who you got to know. I became over-worked, over-stressed, over critical of myself, and I began to withdrawal and shut down. I started to sleep less and less – not because I would go to sleep late, but because I would wake up constantly in the middle of the night filled with anxiety about my job. “Did I send that email? Oh crap, I forgot to…. Did I respond to her email? When are the invoices due again?” I would think about these things all night long, leaving me exhausted when I woke up every morning. And then, depression started creeping in and everything in my world was kept on lock from you. It was a slow entrance. It knocked on a few of my doors and I ignored it. To be honest, I thought it would simply get better. I kept smiling, I kept working, I kept moving, and no one knew what I was going through. Well – almost no one. I met a man who was so wonderful to me, and was so patient with me and my moods, but the stress of my job really dampened the relationship. All of my friends were neglected because I just didn’t have time outside of work to talk on the phone. I rarely spoke to my mom because by the time I would get home from work, she would be sleep. My sister had to deal with me coming home and breaking down in tears. So the depression deepened because I rarely talked about anything that was going on with me - instead I kept it all in.
Finally, a few weeks ago, I hit a wall. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t concentrate, I could no longer hear the voice in my head that sounded familiar, that reminded me of the good things, that helped me create. I figured I was just tired, that I had been working too much (as always). But then a light went off and I knew in that instant that something had to change in my life before things got worse. I knew the source of all of my issues, and the next day I made a change that was scary and liberating at the same time. I resigned from my job without having another job lined up. I didn’t know what was next, all I knew is that I couldn’t live like I was living any more. The moment I turned in my notice, I thought I would have an “oh shit I just quit my job without another one lined up, what are you thinking” moment, but instead I immediately felt a weight lifted off and for the first time in almost a year my soul smiled. Fear of the unknown never entered – surprisingly, to this day. For some reason, faith I like to believe, I know everything is going to be fine and I will be taken care of.
So, what’s next you ask? Would you be ok if I said I don’t know? Because I don’t. Right now I feel that I need some time off and time to think what I want next. I don’t want to jump into another job just because it's the safe thing to do. I need time to heal, time to get back to me. Obviously the money will run out sooner rather than later, but until I have to make a decision, I’m going to enjoy doing some of the things that I love to do.
Is there some artistic or creative endeavor you have always fantasized about pursuing? Maybe you would love to try your hand at watercolor painting or pottery. Maybe you have an idea for the great American novel that you would love to attempt. Wherever your creativity is leading you, you need to follow it. This is a rare chance to try something new that taps into a talent you have neglected.
This was my horoscope on Tuesday morning, and it nearly brought me to tears. Who is this…..thing, behind these horoscopes, and how did it read my heart so clearly and perfectly? During my time of healing and restoration I plan to get back to blogging, take a pottery class, start making jewelry again, and work on another business venture that I will discuss at a later time. Think packaging….
You know - there is something else I've realized in my struggle: life is good. I've confused ambition with dissatisfaction. Ambition isn't something that sets out to destroy, it's something that sets out to create. I've confused these things as I'm constantly on the lookout to destroy the bad and preserve the good. I've always been told that happiness is a choice. I've always hated that statement because it puts the control onto me and not my circumstances. But perhaps it is a choice -- a choice to be present and to be thankful.
I apologize for being away, for not being able to share this side of my life. I also apologize for thinking that you only want to see the sunshine and not the rain. THANK YOU for your emails, calls, thoughts, concerns – you know who you are, and I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.
I’m back!!!! So get ready for the ride…..